Becoming more comfortable with conflict

  

Conflicts are not comfortable, but it doesn't have to be something you dread and avoid.

There are so many people who completely avoid conflict, toning themselves down because of the fear, but a good leader is prepared for conflict and train to become more comfortable with it.

In special operations training, we prepared ourselves for conflict, running drills constantly to prepare for it.

The very nature of special ops missions puts individuals in scenarios where conflict could appear. 

Don't fear this; you should embrace it.

A special ops group does not go around looking for conflict, instead they are small units conducting missions under the radar.  On many missions, the enemy didn't even know they were there.

The same is true for a good leader.  In a leadership role, you should not go out of your way to find conflict.  Your energy should be focused on your mission.  Many people will never understand your vision and goals.  This should not stop you.  Instead you should lead by example.

A small group of 10 operators could be in an area with hundreds, even thousands of enemies.  It's not in the best interest of the group to start an unnecessary conflict.

Sometimes no matter how hard they try, a conflict erupts, leaving the team to fall back on their training.  

There goal isn't to kill everyone in sight, but instead, do what is necessary to disengage from the fight as safely and efficiently as possible.

The same applies to a leader, or a person trying to progress forward in life.  The reality is, we are surrounded by people who's only goal is to stir up 

You want to be prepared for the conflict and be comfortable with facing it effectively and efficiently.  You don't go looking for it, but you absolutely don't back down when you're put in the situation.

The key is to prepare.

At combat control school, we did an event called tactics  We learned to conduct missions while being interrupted by conflict.  At random times making our way through the thick forests, we were greeted by enemy contact.  

The goal was simple: engage with the enemy while simultaneously moving away from the area, but using just enough energy to get us out of the situation.  

We could not let our emotions take over rational thinking.

There is nothing to prove.  The results are accomplishing missions with a proven track record.

Same is true in our day to day interactions.  

In our daily lives, we are bombarded with people who want to attack our growth and progress, especially if we step away from the 

When we step out of the safety net of the group, the 

Engaging in conflict with these people can leave you exhausted, frustrated, and may even cause you to lose site of your goals.  As a person focused on your clear mission objective, there is no time for back and forth in a conflict.  There is no time for drama and arguing.  

In tactics, we had a clear mission objective.  Like our goals, we put all of our energy and focus into the mission.  We didn't have time to worry about the boogey man jumping out of the bushes, but of it happened, we were prepared.  

After hours of walking through the forest, the enemy emerged, dressed in black, and blasting blanks in our direction from the M4 Carbines.  

We faced conflict, but since we practiced two days in an empty parking lot, we knew exactly what to do.  Our hearts were racing, and our adrenaline was coursing through our veins.  We stayed focused, controlled our emotions, and met the conflict with strategy and precision.  As soon as we heard enemy fire, half the group immediately planted in a line facing the enemy.  The other half of the group turned the opposite direction, in a controlled line, and moved away from the enemy.   After several yards, the other half planted, and the firing group moved away behind the group firing.  The team keeps moving back until the enemy disengages.  Sometime this took a while, but eventually we were away from the enemy.

We didn't stand there and blindly fire and move toward the enemy, bringing more attention and danger to the situation.  We engaged with the goal of deescalating the situation.

Even with the planning and strategy, the conflict is dangerous.  But it would be much worse trying to prove ourselves by attacking back and making the situation worse.

If you think of the way special operators handle conflict, we can apply the same principles as leaders in our workplace, and our personal lives.

Like practicing in a parking lot away from the chaos of gunfire, nighttime in a thick forest, and an intimidating enemy firing at us, handling conflict in our lives takes practice.  It starts with small conflict and later it is part of your routine.

You can avoid conflict.  Many people do.  If you blend in to the people you are around you, adjusting your values to meet whatever the majority thinks and never rock the boat,  you can probably go a long time without conflict.  But don't expect to accomplish anything important.

If you want to do something special, then you have to prepare for conflict.  There is no way around it.  The further you step away from the normal way of thinking, the more resistance you'll have.  

You can avoid conflict by people pleasing, blending in, or never trying to work toward big

If you can get used to conflict, you'll be unstoppable.

When you figure out what you really want, a goal unique to you, you will put yourself into a vulnerable situation.  Whether it's in the workplace, or in your personal life, following your own unique moral 

As a leader in my career, I've had the ability to practice handling conflict, and it made me think back on my military training.  

At first, conflict felt uncomfortable and filled me with self doubt.

As I progressed further, I remembered what I was capable of and leaned into conflict.  The better I got with it, the more outrageous goals I went for.  After a while, I made my goals really big on purpose and expected the conflict.

When you realize you will always make mistakes, but you can learn from them, conflict becomes a lot easier.

This doesn't mean you need to feel bad stirring up conflict.  As long as you learn and use it to grow, accept it as part of your journey.  

When you understand this, it will allow you to keep your emotions out of the way when you face a conflict.  


When you are engaged in a confrontation, most of the time, the other side feels strongly they're right and you're wrong. The more you accomplish, or expose your inner drive, the more people will feel justified letting you know their side.

At first, you treat this scenario like a physical confrontation.  With the tone of your voice, eye contact, and body language, you let the other person know you're serious about the topic.  Most of the time, this will disengage the conflict on the spot.  Not always, so you need to be prepared for the next step. 

Think of this as the first test.  If someone just wants to attack, they will likely back down.

Always use direct eye contact and a direct, firm tone of voice.  When you speak, turn your body toward the other person.  If you're standing, make sure you don't slump over; you should stand up tall.

This doesn't work for social media or email outbursts, so I encourage face to face conflict resolution as much as possible.  If you engage in online conflicts, it's a losing battle.  The ability to hide behind the screen, or be unknown, gives people the upper hand.  Ignore social media posts at all cost.  You should even ignore face to face conflict unless you're put on the spot.

You should think of negative social media posts and behind the back gossip as a complement to you.  It means you are leaning into yourself.

Most people never give much thought to you.  No matter what you do, people are so busy that they don't give you the times of day.

If you are drawing attention while focused on your vision, goals and purpose, even the negative attention means you are probably on the right track.

Despite all that, face to face confrontation will happen.  If it's not yet, keep moving forward.

In your next conflict, keep some things in mind.

You want to keep your emotions out of the equation.  Feeling defensive, angry, or frustrated will end up hurting your credibility as a leader, or distract you from your goals.  Don't waste your energy on this.  Instead, actively listen to the other person as if you're a third party.  Many times this diffuses the conflict because it catches the other person off guard.  Most people get emotional and very defensive in conflicts.  Sometimes the issue is over because they want to be heard.  If people never do anything productive, they need to find ways to feel important.

If the conflict continues, actively try to see the other person's view.  Try your best to see their side.  Sometimes there is a valid point to see. If they are persisting, there likely is something to it, but sometimes  no matter how hard you try, there is nothing but needless complaining.

Sometimes their point of view is valuable, or at least parts of it

If the other person feels is it worth it, you should be confident, but also listen to the other side.  Once you hear the other view, you can always get back to them when you're ready. 

Sometimes you may be wrong.  Gasp!

If you see where you could have done better, let others know.  If you see where you were

  If you see it's just lashing out, or unjustified, also let them know.  Be clear on where you stand without

If you're clear and bold on where you stand, it doesn't mean you can't learn and grow.  If you keep this in mind, it makes conflict necessary for big growth and progress.  It also makes you welcome it.  

Conflict is hard for people when they don't look at themselves, and unfortunately, many people don't.  At the same time, it gives you the upper hand in a conflict.  

The conflict cannot get out of control on your side if you keep your emotions out of the situation and have a strategy.  

Attack the conflict with confidence and third party view.  If necessary,  look at what you could do better in the future and let the other side know.  Never apologize for being true to yourself.  Instead use mistakes to learn and grow.

Don't get wrapped up in endless drama, being defensive and on the attack when someone disagrees with you.   But also, stand firm in what you believe.  Even if the other side is right, at least they know where you stand, because you confidently spoke your truth.

Most people appreciate when someone really listens not just waiting for their turn to prove them wrong.

Don't waste your time being caught up in conflicts.  Have a strategy to handle them when they appear. 

 Be confident in your decisions and stand behind your point of view.  See the situation from other's lenses and don't get emotional.  The conflict can be handled by facing it head on, and then you can move on with your goals.