The power of telling people NO

“If you want more time, freedom, and energy, start saying no.” Anonymous

We all want to fit in.

We all want to be liked.

The feeling of not fitting in can be overwhelming because of our biological need to fit in.  To be a leader of your own life, you must get over your need to say yes to everyone and everything that comes your way.

You may think this makes you a jerk, and the person who is selfish and always says no.  

Saying no makes you a leader of your life, and not saying yes all the time, frees up valuable time to do things that are important to YOU.  

By protecting time for yourself, time to focus on your life, your goals, your passions, you become a better person.  You become more happy, more fulfilled, and a leader for those around you.

Being a person who takes time alone to focus on what really ignites your soul will be an inspiration and motivator to those around you.  

You can not become anything other than average by trying to please everyone and saying yes, piling on tons of extra obligations, which stretch you thin and leave you burnt out and lacking energy.  

In today's world, having 1000 friends on Facebook, is the ultimate goal for a lot of people. Do not fall into the trap of trying to have tons of fake friends.  It will only lead to depression and anxiety.

Not everyone is going to like you.

Read that line and let it sink in.  If you are being yourself, expressing your thoughts and feelings in an honest way, there will be people who will not like you.

If you find out you have haters and people who do not like you, you're on the right track.  Lean into the feelings, be aware of your emotions by not letting them control your life.  Know you are becoming a leader.

If you think saying yes to a group of people that do not fit your values or personality makes you a good person, it doesn't.  If you feel obligated to say yes to gossipers, complainers and time wasters, think again.

This makes you a follower, not a leader.

It feels good to say yes in the moment, you get a dopamine rush from pleasing someone, but you will later pay the price.

If you say yes enough, your valuable time is spent with people who drag you down.  People who actually make you a worse version of yourself.  People who suck away your mental energy like vampires.

If you take time alone to figure out who you really are,  you realize not everyone is your cup of tea.  Not everyone thinks like you, has similar interests or goals.  That is okay.  

There are probably many people who you call friends now, that should be cut out of your life.  Sometimes as you change and evolve, your friends must do the same, or be let go.  

The friend that wants you to spend 4 hours playing video games, watching stupid videos on Youtube, complain about their job, or want someone to get drunk with, needs to be told no.  You won't miss anything.  What could you do to improve your life or your situation in 4 hours?

I do not mean saying no all the time.  The people that are true friends, close family members and spouses, deserve your time.  Not only will they benefit,  but you will too.  You want to spend time with people that make you better, offer constructive criticism, and make you happy.  They are a necessity for all of us.  You need like minded people around who like you for who you really are.  

If you are honest with yourself, there are just a few people in your life that deserve your valuable time and attention.  Take some time to figure out who they are.  Ignore the rest.

When you tell someone no,  you don't need to make excuses, or say maybe.   You don't need to feel guilt for protecting your time and energy.   Make the word no your default answer, you can always change it later.

It's easy to fall into people pleasing and creating a life that is full of saying yes to everyone.   You will begin to use your focus to make sure you fit in, make all the events, nights out, and hanging out doing nothing useful with your time.  

When you begin saying no, you can make time for yourself and spend valuable time alone to look at your life where it is, and where you want to go.

What do you really want to do?   Many people work a full time job, but that doesn't mean you can't be building a business on the side. Something you own, and something that is completely yours.

You may want to write a book, a blog, or start a band.  It will never happen if you blindly give your time and attention to anyone who will take it.

You know the people I am talking about.

 If someone you know, family member, co worker, or anyone else, try to make you feel guilty for saying no, get away from them, or reduce contact with them as much as possible.  

People that are stuck and take the easy road, love to play the victim card, manipulate, and try to weasle their way into your life.  It happens all the time.  

Unfortunately many people refuse to take an honest evaluation of their life.  Instead they give up, and turn to ridiculous tactics to make sure they fit in and everyone likes them.

There is no prize given out to someone for making everyone like them, so don't waste your time.

Just because you tell someone yes, does not mean they will think you are the best person on the planet.  Sure, if someone needs honest help, help them. Do it because you want to.

The only result you get trying to make everyone like you is disappointment and anxiety.  

People will always talk behind your back.  Some people just are not happy at all.  Forget them.

If everyone does like you, then you are not being your true authentic self.  You are not stepping out of your comfort zone, out of the herd, and not putting yourself on full blast.  

That is where people want you, so you can say yes to every stupid thing that comes your way.  They want you to stay in line within the group and not speak out.

But, that's not a leader.  That is an average person trying to fit in.

Be a leader of your own life.  Think outside of the normal box.  See the way people react when you say no.  See how they respond when you protect your time and have more important things to do.  A person that protects their valuable time and energy, despite what everyone is doing, is a leader.  

People will not like it, and you may feel alone sometimes.  Despite how they lash out, eventually you gain respect.

10 years ago, I lived life feeling anxious and depressed.  I thought this was normal.  I grew up trying to please my parents, and that continued as I moved out of the house to college.

Don't get me wrong, I usually get along with people. I noticed some people liked me when I was myself.  The people I was comfortable around enjoyed my sense of humor, laughed at the goofy things I did, shared my interest in music, running, and cracking jokes all the time.  They also like to talk about deep topics that interest me. 

What songs I like, how the universe was created, and business ideas are all things I love to talk about.  I don't want to spend my time on celebrity gossip, office gossip, or watching a cat do tricks on the internet. I do don't want to spend hours listening to why someone is miserable.

There were also many other people in my past that I changed myself around to ensure they liked me.  I don't have time for that anymore.  You don't either.

Don't change yourself.

 I would not be vulnerable around the people that did not fit me.  I did not share my true personality, but I forced myself to be around them too.  All I would do afterwards, was feel frustrated, resentful, and stay awake at night wondering what they really thought of me.

They probably did not care for me.  The guy that was a bit messy in his house, lost things, and liked questioning the universe, was put to the side to talk about football or basketball.  I kept myself more quiet and agreeable to religions and normal ways of thinking.  I made sure I acted normal around them.

What a waste of time.  I should have got rid of them sooner.

I made it my goal to make sure everyone liked me.  I would go to parties that were lame, hang around other guys I thought were cool, and do anything my father asked me to, in hopes of being the world's most liked guy.

This is a hard act to keep up.

I have about 4 people I stay in touch with and really enjoy their company.  Their are other out there like me, but I need to actively search for them, and until then, enjoy the true friendships that I have.  I tell other people no that are not right for me.

I am a leader in my workplace, but I turn down 90 percent of people that ask me to come out to their house, dive bar, or social event.  At first, the manipulative people said it was my duty to be involved socially with the people I lead.  They thought I was self centered.

I do not fall for the guilt trip.

I leaned into the negative reactions.  I was an example through my actions.  After a while people stopped asking.  If I ever did show up, people gravitated to me out of respect.  They knew I was there because I wanted to be.  Protecting your time leads to respect.  Follow your true instincts and be a true leader.

Life is short, and one day you will die.  You can't accomplish what you want and enjoy the important moments by wasting your time worrying you are missing out.  Stay focused and stay strong.  Your time, energy, and focus is important.  Don't give it away like it is free.  You would not give money to anyone who asked for it. 

In the blink of an eye, we will be 30 years in the future.  Don't give into every request to steal your attention.   There are plenty of people who will waste your time, if you let them.  Tell them no.

Give yourself time to focus on what is important to you.